


The A to Zed of Life with John, Sherlock and friends plus a few enemies

by alicambs



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Gen, Meme
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-24
Updated: 2017-09-03
Packaged: 2017-12-21 04:37:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/895878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alicambs/pseuds/alicambs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written, slightly tongue in cheek, for those who aren't familiar with British English and her colloquialisms. I have no desire to provoke a 'who cares/I care' war about Americanisms in British fic or worry about spellings as we all write and spell what we feel comfortable with, but sometimes the sheer 'wrongness' in terms of what the characters say or do can spoil at plot point totally. For example, regular British police do not carry guns, would never have shot a suspect and would never be required to frequent a firing range during their work time. So, without further ado I present 'The A to Zed of Life with John, Sherlock and friends plus a few enemies'</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A is for the **accommodation** , singular, that John found with Sherlock. It's also for **armed** , which Lestrade and his team are definitely not, nor would ever be under any circumstances. Further it's for **arse** as in "I hate that arse, he is such a stubborn ass" where arse is the vernacular for bottom, bum, posterior and ass is a wild donkey. Not that Sherlock would ever lower himself to use such scatological terms of abuse. It's also for **ASBO,** that Anti Social Behaviour Order that John was so unfairly landed with.

B is for the **bill** the waiter brings at the end of a good meal, not that Sherlock ever bothers with them anyway and seems to eat for gratis almost everywhere. It's also for **old bill** slang for the police and for the **barman** or **barmaid** that serve the drinks at the pub night when John and Lestrade get together to chat and sympathise with each other for having to deal with Sherlock's abrasive personality.

C is for the **cheque** John refused to accept from Mycroft but happily took from Sebastian, for the **cutlery** that John, and occasionally Sherlock, uses to eat with and for John's **CV** which, Sherlock will inform you, is short for the Latin, Curriculum Vitae, meaning "the course of life". It also refers to a water closet or **wc** , which is an old term for a toilet. Oh, and a cot is a baby's crib. John might rustle up a **camp bed** for a visiting friend if the sofa isn't free, but a cot is left for the babies.

D is for Sherlock's **dressing gown** , possibly silk, that he seems to prefer to lounge around in when he's bored and without a case to occupy himself. It's also for the **duvet** that John snuggles under in bed when he's cold.

E is for **ex service people** like John who served in the armed forces.

F is for the **flannel** John washes himself with, it's also can mean nonsense, evasive talk, flattery... so nothing that Sherlock would ever be comfortable using but Mycroft is undoubtedly a past master of.

G is for **GP** or **general practitioner** , such as John, working diligently for the National Health Service aka the NHS. It's free at point of contact, so there is nothing to pay for except for the prescription charge. It's also for got, get, getting but never gotten, most particularly for Sherlock and Mycroft unless they're both talking about Moriarty ' **ill gotten gains** '.

H is for **hospitals** , mostly NHS although Mycroft can probably easily pay for a private ward or bed for the time either Sherlock or John need to be in hospital. It's also for Sarah's **handbag** which contains everything she needs to go out with like her purse full of money.

I is for **I couldn't care less** , never ever I could care less. With a stickler for grammar like Sherlock around no one is going to make statements that don't actually make any sense without being called up on it! It's also for **irony** , the cornerstone of British humour.

J is for the **jug** that Mrs Hudson pours the milk into when serving tea for Mycroft or for her friends, and for the woolly **jumpers** John so loves wearing (and looks damn good in). It's also for the **jam** that John spreads on his toast in the morning, although he might prefer marmalade.

K is for **knackered** , the state John is in after running after Sherlock all night and working at the surgery during the day. If he could have a **kip** in front of the telly he might be less knackered, but Sherlock seems to take it as an affront if he's not available for talking at whenever he requires a listener.

L is for the **shot gun licence** that we'll assume that John has somehow finagled for his revolver, unless Mycroft got him one, he'd certainly fulfil the role of _(...a Member of Parliament, Justice of the Peace, minister of religion, doctor, lawyer, established civil servant, bank officer, or person of similar standing... )_ John's referee. However, the lack of a lockable 'gun cabinet' in the flat might prove a problem for John if the police decided to get huffy with him (oh and the ASBO !). It's also for **leg it** , which Sherlock did rather sharply when John got nicked for the paint job!

M is for Mycroft and Sherlock's **mummy** , who is never abbreviated to **mum**. It's also for John's **army mates** he meets down the pub for a pint or two when Sherlock is being particularly difficult and for Sherlock's **mobile phone** which appears to be in constant use, except when he's nicked John's of course.

N is for **pound notes** , a fiver a tenner or a twenty are common and you might see a fifty pound note if Mycroft is paying. It's also for **999** which you dial in emergencies or when someone nicks your wallet.

O is for 'what are you **on about**?' which John must often feel like asking when Sherlock goes on about his experiments, or for when Sherlock goes off and leaves John on his tod and rather pissed off at that.

P is for the **pavements** that Sherlock and John regularly tread. It's also for the **pyjamas** (one wonders if he wear pants under them or goes without) that Sherlock wears to bed and under his dressing gown when sulking on the sofa and for the **physiotherapy** that John must have suffered through to get his shoulder back in action. It's also for the **pub** that serves alcohol in the form of beers, wines and spirits paid for in **pounds and pence** , of which there are a 100p in one pound. It's also for the **post** popped though the letter box by the **postman** or **postwoman** in the morning which may contain a request for Sherlock to investigate or, more likely, bills to pay.

Q is for **quid** , slang for pounds with Sherlock probably owing John much more than just a couple of quid for all the milk he buys, and for **queuing** at the supermarket checkout which John probably prefers doing rather than face the wrath of the automatic checkouts.

R is for **rubbish** , John probably consider most of Sherlock's experiment and most of the non food stuff in the fridge under that category and would love to sweep the lot into the **rubbish bin**.

S is for **streets** (or cul-de-sac and avenues) that meander across and through London, never in blocks as London is, like most British cities, old and built in a somewhat higgledy piggledy manner that in no way resembles a grid system.

T is for **trousers** , jeans, combats it's also for the **cold tap** John is constantly turning on to fill up the kettle to make yet more tea. It's also for the **torches** John and Sherlock use when searching for things in the dark.

U is for **underwea** r those pants, y-fronts, boxers or briefs with, possibly frilly, knickers for Molly, Harry, Sarah and even Mrs Hudson.

V is for **vest** that some men wear under their shirts in winter, it's also for **vet** , not that Sherlock or John have an animal to care for so they're unlikely to need one.

W is for the **windscreen** the taxi driver peers through when driving in the rain, although the **windscreen wipers** are pretty efficient in those black taxi cabs. It's also for the **waistcoat** that John or Sherlock might wear under their dinner jacket when dressing up for dinner, perhaps with the Queen and for the **wardrobe** that John will carefully hang his waistcoat in after he has finished wearing it.

X is for the 24th letter of the English alphabet or for **xi** , or Ξ the 14th letter of the Greek alphabet as Sherlock would undoubtedly tell you. He's also tell you that very few words begin with x so instead it's for **'excuse me'** which John might say as he burps through indigestion due to the half eaten meals from which he is dragged away by Sherlock.

Y is for **Yanks** who speak a form of English called American English and live across the pond. :-)

Z is for **zebra crossing** , a pedestrian crossing so called because it marked with white stripes. Sherlock seldom uses them, dashing majestically across the road whenever he needs to with John following close behind. It's also for **zed** , the last letter of the alphabet.


	2. The A to Zed of life with John and Sherlock and friends (with a more cultural emphasis).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An A to Zed of British culture to, hopefully, help explain the ways Sherlock, John and their friends, colleagues and enemies tend to think, react and behave.
> 
> AKA the sequel the author didn't know she was planning until yet another writer referred to John as a surgeon or had him make tea in a microwave!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With much love and thanks to my lovely daughter for the beta. :-)

A is for **A &E or Accident and Emergency Unit**. The front line of the NHS the UK's free to all citizens (in that it's paid for by taxation) healthcare service which John and Sherlock spend their time trying to avoid being admitted to. John because doctor’s do make the worst patients and Sherlock because only being near death (such as being shot in the chest) would keep him quiet and still long enough to be treated.

B is for Mycroft's **'brolly'** aka an umbrella. The classic London city gentleman's brolly, companion to the bowler which is still worn on occasions, has a handle made from a cane plant that grows in Malaysia. The brolly is an essential part of a gentleman's dress consisting of a pin stripe suit, a well knotted tie, a folded handkerchief in the top pocket and, of course, the furled umbrella. Very useful for leaning on, fencing with and for the inevitable rain. 

C is for a nice **cup of tea** , the answer to all the ills in life. Mrs Hudson will now demonstrate the perfect way to make a decent cup of tea:  
1\. Warm up the teapot, oh and do use a china one, dear it's traditional and part of the ritual.  
2\. Use one spoon per person and one for the pot for loose tea.  
3\. Don't forget to switch on the kettle and make sure you use freshly boiled water.  
4\. Stir the tea leaves or bags. It helps the tea to infuse.  
5\. Now leave to stand for 3 to 4 minutes before pouring.  
6\. Then add milk, unless you take it black or with lemon, and sugar to taste. Sherlock tells me that traditionally milk was added first to avoid cracking delicate china cups with hot tea. The things that boy knows! 

Sherlock's extensively researched and tested method to provide the best cup of tea for one is  
1\. Place a tea bag in a mug and fill with 200ml of freshly boiled water.  
2\. Allow the tea bag to brew for 2 minutes.  
3\. Remove the tea bag.  
4\. Add 10ml of milk.  
5\. Wait 6 minutes before consumption for the cuppa to reach its optimum temperature of 60°C.

John will sigh and state categorically "that anyone who can drink tea and an eyeball together and pronounce it 'surprisingly okay' has no right to tell anyone how to make a perfect cup of anything".

D is for **Dr John H Watson MBBS, MRCGP**. The MBBS, which John achieved after studying for 6 years at King's College Medical School, stands for Bachelor of Medicine and Bachelor of Surgery. The (MRCGP) Member of the Royal College of General Practitioners is his specialisation. Sherlock postulates, out loud to John's irritation, that he specialised as a GP only because it was the course with the most openings available within the army at the time as John obviously finds being a GP dull and needs Sherlock to keep him alive and animated. Note, an M.D. is a _research degree_ which is equivalent to a PhD and is therefore not used to denote a practising medical doctor.

E is for **emotions** , or perhaps the inability or unwillingness to express them in public. Brits are known for the their politeness, reserve and their restraint, but don't assume that means they are unfriendly or unfeeling. For many Brits, emotion comes from within and is strongly felt without the need for sharing or showing it. “Typified by John himself,” Sherlock says expansively as he throws any reserve, restraint or understatement to the wind, “he is very self contained, but do watch out when he loses it!” This reserve is due to a tendency, even in this age of Twitter, selfies, Facebook etc, for Brits to be quite private. Not only do Brits tend not to show emotion in public, but additionally they are uncomfortable with in your face highly emotional people.

F is for **Fellow of Royal College of Surgeons or FRCS**. The correct way to address a member or fellow of The Royal College of Surgeons is to use the title Mr, Miss, Mrs, or Ms not Dr. The reason for this lies in a long complicated history that should you wish to know you can ask Sherlock, or check Wikipedia, but suffice it to say John would like it on record that he is not, and never has been qualified to be, a surgeon. 

G is for **guns and gun control**. John will square his shoulders and look momentarily guilty when this is mentioned, but he will acknowledge that for most Brits gun dislike runs very, very deep. The British don’t like their police to be armed (though more of them are than in the past within carefully selected and highly trained Firearms Units) and most don't like guns at all, full stop. Guns are carefully licensed with pistols and hand guns being illegal, if Lestrade ever got wind of John's unlicensed gun he could be facing 5 years in prison. 

H is for British **humour** which is often self deprecating, usually witty, sometimes sarcastic or ironic (irony is much more subversive than sarcasm and much more fun). :-) Brits joke about everything all the time including the queen, politicians, religion, their friends and themselves. Humour is used to set a positive atmosphere, to bridge differences, to introduce risky ideas, to criticise, to show appreciation or even contempt of a person as Anderson will testify having been the butt of Sherlock's biting and flagellating wit over many years. 

I is for **insults**. John has called Sherlock a number of names over the years, _dickhead, twat_ and _cock_ spring to mind, all of which he has deserved John says stoutly. He's keeping _tosser, git, pillock, knobhead_ and _prat_ (they all mean pretty much the same i.e. idiot or arse) in reserve for the future. He'll reserve _wanker_ (the literal definition is 'he who pleasures himself' figuratively it is used to describes a person whose company is insufferable) purely for Mycroft.  

J is for **Joe Bloggs** used as a pseudonym or for when the name of the person (male or female) referred to is unknown, such as the poor anonymous corpses paraded before Sherlock's magnified and all seeing eyes.

K is for **The Knowledge** an exacting exam which London's black cab drivers have to pass which has been described as a bit like having a mental atlas of London in your head. Sherlock, of course, acquired The Knowledge effortlessly. “But then anyone who boasts a Mind Palace would wouldn't they,” John says with a faint raising of his eyebrows and a fond look of exasperation.

L is for the city of **London** , capital of England and of Great Britain and the city that John and Sherlock love. London has grown organically over almost two thousand years and over this time has experienced plague, devastating fire, civil war and aerial bombardment (the blitz). Its historic core, the City of London (the Square Mile) now the financial centre, represents a tiny part of the wider metropolis of Greater London. Many of London's older streets began life as foot paths that turned into roads (some in the Golden Mile are not wide enough for cars) and eventually became main arterial routes so while everything interconnects (more or less) it does so in an ad hoc manner. 

M is for the **Metropolitan police force** , the ranks of which (like all other UK police forces) are Constable, Sergeant, Inspector, Chief Inspector, such as Lestrade, Superintendent and Chief Superintendent. There are a number of ranks above them and Mycroft is likely to be of speaking terms with all of them, while John's claim to fame is for, quite rightly, 'chinning' the Met's Chief Superintendent for calling Sherlock 'a weirdo'. All police officer have a _warrant card_ , an ID card with the force crest printed on it, although Lestrade is constantly losing his as Sherlock tends to pick pocket him frequently. On a side note, John giggled himself silly, much to Sherlock's annoyance, when he found out that the Met's crime database is run on a nationwide IT system named the 'Home Office Large Major Enquiry System' or HOLMES for short. :-)

N is for **999** the official emergency telephone number to contact emergency services (Police, Ambulance, Fire and Coastguard) for urgent assistance and is the world's oldest emergency call service. 999 was chosen because it would be easy to dial on old-style phones and was free from payphones (of which very few are left). John's emergency number, only to be used if they are in desperate straits, is Mycroft's while Sherlock would have to be bleeding from every part of his body to dial that number, unless John was badly hurt of course.

O is for being **overly polite**. The British trait of being too polite to speak one's mind (Sherlock is a complete exception to any of this it must be noted) means that some British phrases may possibly be misunderstood by non Brits! When John says ("preferably to Mycroft," Sherlock mutters), _'with the greatest respect'_ , he's actually saying _'you are an idiot'_. If John says that something Sherlock has done is _'quite good'_ he means _'it's a bit disappointing'_. Conversely is he says of something _'that's not bad'_ he's telling you, _'that's good'_.

P is for **going to the pub** , a national pastime. Pubs are places to meet friends, chat, buy a 'round' from the bar and sometimes eat, depending on the quality of the pub grub. John enjoys going for a pint and chat with Lestrade or his mates and has been known to enjoy the odd game of darts. Sherlock considers pubs totally boring, useful only for gathering information but does enjoy occasionally startling John with his encyclopaedic knowledge of strange and gruesome pub names such as the _The Bucket Of Blood_ in Hayle, Cornwall. 200 years ago the landlord drew up a bucket of blood from the local well, the cause of which being a mutilated corpse found lodged at the foot of the well Sherlock explains gleefully.

Q is for **queuing**. British people will queue for everything from getting on a bus to being served at the check out, or as John will testify, to shout at the automatic tills. If you want to get served it is best to copy this behaviour and join the back of the queue or Sherlock, never one to observe any form of polite behaviour himself, will mock and abuse you on John's behalf as he is far too polite to do so himself however much he might want to.

R is for **religion** or lack of it. Britain is nominally a Christian country yet while minority and alternative religions are steadily growing, less than half of the British public believe in a God according to the British Social Attitudes survey 2011, and 50% of Brits say they aren't religious. What John and Sherlock might believe or not believe is left open to question, but in reality two-thirds of the population have no actual connection to any religion or church, despite what they tend to write down on forms. Atheism is no bar to public life as the present deputy prime minister and the present leader of the opposition aptly demonstrate. 

S is for **swearing**. Swearing for Brits can signify affection or humour as well as for being down right rude and offensive. It is often said that Brits are polite to those they hate and insult those they like, this obviously doesn’t work for Sherlock mind. The list of swear words is endless. _Bloody hell_ is probably the most commonly used as an expression of surprise while _bloody marvellous, bloody amazing etc._ are used as emphasis. John has often been tempted to say that at times Sherlock talks _utter bollocks_ (yes it does mean testicles), implying he's talking rubbish. 

T is for the **black London taxi cab** or hackney carriage (the first hackney coach, the forerunner of the hackney carriage operated in London in 1621) allowed to ply the streets looking for passengers to pick up, as opposed to private minicabs which may only pick up passengers who have previously booked. Sherlock has an almost magic ability to make one of the currently 21,000 licensed black cabs appear as soon as he steps out of the door of 221B and raises his hand.

U is for the **London Underground** or the **Tube** is the oldest underground railway system in the world. It dates back to 1863 and has grown to 270 stations and 11 lines stretching deep into London's suburbs, and beyond. The Tube is the quickest and easiest way to travel around London. It's certainly cheaper than a taxi cab, as John knows to his cost as Sherlock tends to leave him to pay the cab fare, and it's the transport John chooses when he travels alone. Fun fact, the TARDIS, or at least an old blue police call box, can be found outside Earl’s Court station, oh and Mornington Crescent tube station is on the Charing Cross branch of the Northern line. 

V is for **varsity team** , competing in varsity matches in sport or other competitions between rival universities most famously King's College London (John's alma mater) vs University College London and also of Oxford vs Cambridge (think of the boat race) possibly the alma maters of both Mycroft and Sherlock. The word comes from a shortening of the word university and dates from the 1840s 

W is for the **weather** a regular topic of conversation. The climate can change from day to day and rain can be expected at any time (you don't think that Sherlock wears that coat just for show do you?) but the UK rarely has extreme weather conditions. Summer temperatures are between 20C to 30C (London actually has the warmest climate in the UK, a high of 37.9C was recorded in 1948!) and in winter the temperature doesn't tend to fall too far below zero, although cold snaps do occur and snow fall can be very heavy in the north. Heavy snow is uncommon in London and the south. Because of this temperate climate air conditioning is rare and almost never seen in private homes. 

X is for **x-rated** meaning in terms of films, 'suitable for those aged 18 and over'. It's been replaced with an 18 certificate but is still extensively used and would describe some of the contents of John and Sherlock's fridge rather nicely.

Y is for **'the Yard'** a generic term now used to refer to the headquarters of London's Metropolitan police service. The first Met office was built in street called, you've guessed it, Scotland Yard. The police outgrew it and a second building was built a few hundred metres away and named 'New Scotland Yard' (never abbreviated to NSY). 30 years later they moved again. 'Scotland Yard' or 'the Yard' hasn't been situated in Scotland Yard for about 100 years and New was dropped many years ago. 

Z is for the **zoology of the British Isles**. The largest wild land mammal is the red deer, although Sherlock will point out that the bull grey seal outweighs a red deer hands down dismissing John's reply that the bull grey seal is not a land mammal out of hand. There are no bears, wolves (werewolves and dangerous hounds are left open to question) or in fact any dangerous animals in Britain. The common animals seen in urban areas are squirrels, rabbits, hedgehogs, mice and foxes (often seen clambering in dustbins to check out the food) while in rural areas you might catch a glimpse of a badger.


	3. Golf, Uniform, November, Sierra in the UK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I Have No Gun, But I Can Spit by W.H. Auden**  
>  Some thirty inches from my nose  
> The frontier of my Person goes,  
> And all the untilled air between  
> Is private pagus or demesne.  
> Stranger, unless with bedroom eyes  
> I beckon you to fraternize,  
> Beware of rudely crossing it:  
> I have no gun, but I can spit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, not an A to Zed more a dissertation in G on Guns in the UK because I still keep reading canon based stories that arm Lestrade and his unit and seemingly most of London. I keep wondering if they were watching the same programme that I did because the only time Lestrade is ever seen with a handgun (and how the hell he got that or even was willing to be seen with it considering the potential consequences) is on Dartmoor facing the Hound.

The UK has some of the toughest gun control laws in the world. Parliament banned all handguns in 1997 following the [Dunblane school massacre](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunblane_massacre) (ask any Brit over a certain age and they'll remember this vividly and with real horror) and there is now a mandatory five-year jail sentence for possession. So, the fact that Dr John Watson, cuddly, jumper wearing and apparently law abiding John Watson, owns an illicit gun is in reality totally shocking and almost unbelievable.  
  
It is possible to own guns in the UK, other than handguns of course, but what you have to remember is that UK firearms policy is based on the belief that _firearms are dangerous weapons and the State has a duty to protect the public from their misuse. **Gun ownership is a privilege, not a right.**_ You can read the whole document in full [here](https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/518193/Guidance_on_Firearms_Licensing_Law_April_2016_v20.pdf), suffice it to say that while you can obtain guns in the UK, you'll need to demonstrate that you have a valid reason for wanting one and be prepared to go through a high level checks and do a lot of paperwork to get a firearms licence.  
  
So that's private citizens, when it comes to the police force the regular, every day, uniformed and non uniformed men and women of the British police force **do not** carry guns (apart from Northern Ireland). An interesting fact I picked up when researching this is that when the Metropolitan Police were formed in London in 1829, they decided that the police should not be armed in order to assert the principle that they maintained order by consent rather than by force. At the time there was a strong fear of the military by the general public, it was therefore decided that the police would wear blue, as opposed to the military red, and not bear guns so as not to be seen as oppressive. If UK police were ever routinely armed, something that the majority of UK policemen and women oppose strongly, it would undermine the principle of policing by consent, the notion that the force owes its duty to the public, rather that to the state as in other countries. I highly recommend this entertaining article[ “Welcome to policing, British-style”](http://www.cracked.com/personal-experiences-2353-i-was-cop-in-country-with-no-guns-6-startling-truths.html) to give you an idea of what policing in London is like and why policemen and women don't want to carry guns on a regular basis. It had me in stitches a number of times, mind you I fully understood all the slang. :-)  
  
Since 1991 all UK police forces have their own Authorised Firearm Officers trained and registered to carry guns, they however account for 5% of the overall police force. They are called out specifically when the regular police decide that a situation is beyond their ability to control or manage. Personally not recently having lived in London or other big cities the only time I've seen armed policemen in the UK is on the TV news or at the airport following a big security scare.  
  
And to put UK policing into context, only the Irish Republic, Iceland and New Zealand police do not routinely carry guns. In Norway officers carry arms locked in their car but not on their person.  
  
What I'm trying to convey with all the above is to highlight the prevailing British attitude to guns, and this is generally a negative one as guns are seen to stimulate crime. So as a non Brit when writing Sherlock fan-fiction based in the canon universe the biggest thing to remember when writing about guns in the UK is that our regular policemen and women do not carry guns and that gun crime is pretty rare, as is death from gun shot wounds. Further to that John Watson needs to keep his highly illegal handgun very carefully out of sight of both the police and the public and more importantly far, far away from Sherlock!


	4. She's not the Queen of England...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> E is for England, which is part of Great Britain and the United Kingdom. The term England does not equate with either despite the fact that they seem to be so closely connected in most people's minds that they appear synonymous. An explanation of just what is the United Kingdom and England's place within it lies before you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good grief, I'm still at it. Trying to empty my Sherlock meme files!

**She's not the Queen of England...**  
  
John Watson was a doctor and captain in the British Army. He swore his allegiance to his Commander in Chief and Head of the Armed Forces, _“Her Majesty Elizabeth II, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.”_ As an aside, it must be noted that John's other connection with Her Majesty was when he went, with Sherlock dressed in a sheet no less, to Buckingham Palace had a nice cup of tea and gained an ash tray.  
  
Returning to Her Majesty, no where in her very long title will you see the words Queen of England (or for that matter Scotland or Wales). The last monarch of England was Queen Anne who in 1702 was crowned as Queen of the three separate kingdoms of England, Scotland and Ireland (Wales had already been united with England some years previously). In 1707 via The Act of Union, England and Scotland merged to form the Kingdom of Great Britain with Ireland joining them in 1801 to become one big United Kingdom, simple really.  
  
But hang on, there's more... In 1922 the 26 counties of Southern Ireland/Eire, now called the Republic of Ireland, withdrew from the Union. The United Kingdom then became 'Great Britain and Northern Ireland'.  
  
All sorted? Well, just in case Sherlock demands an explanation from you due to having deleted the information from his Mind Palace (note, not Buckingham Palace) the following is a summary of the above, well I say summary...  
  
**The United Kingdom/UK – a sovereign state that includes 4 countries.**  
England, capital London.  
Scotland, capital Edinburgh.  
Wales, capital Cardiff.  
Northern Ireland, capital Belfast.  
  
**Great Britain** – not a country but a land mass, it consist of England, Scotland and Wales and is called Great because it is the largest island of the British Isles.  
  
**The British Isles** – is made up of Great Britain (see above), Ireland, The Isle of Man, The Isles of Scilly, The Channel Islands (including Guernsey, Jersey, Sark and Alderney), as well as over 6,000 other smaller islands.  
  
So whatever you do, don't refer to the whole of the United Kingdom as simply England. It annoys the shit out of the Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish.  
  
As to the concept of being British as opposed to English, Welsh, Scottish, Northern Irish I wouldn't even know where to start. I will however note that a YouGov poll carried out by the Daily Telegraph in 2007 found _that fewer than one third of today's teenagers instinctively think of themselves as British rather than English, Scottish or Welsh._ However, only 10 per cent of the teenage sample, many of them Scots, totally rejected a British identity altogether.  
  
I'll leave you with the first lines and links to two very, very different poems about the concept of Britishness.  
  
  **[We're British and we know it by Josie Whitehead](http://www.josiespoems.webeden.co.uk/were-british-and-we-know-iit/4567511319) **  
We're British and we know it.  
We're surrounded by the sea.  
We start our day each morning.  
With our morning cup of tea.  
  
**[The British (serves 60 million) by Benjamin Zephaniah](https://benjaminzephaniah.com/rhymin/the-british-serves-60-million/) **  
Take some Picts, Celts and Silures  
And let them settle,  
Then overrun them with Roman conquerors.  
Remove the Romans after approximately 400 years  
Add lots of Norman French to some  
Angles, Saxons, Jutes and Vikings, then stir vigorously.


	5. Where the Wild Things are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Wilderness by Naomi Hamilton
> 
> On the verge of the lake, he stands alone  
> without speaking or moving,  
> his emaciated frame lost amid gorse bushes,  
> their needles tipped with yellow buds,  
> spines hooking onto his baggy brown coat.  
> The landscape recedes, each mountain  
> like the stony back of a sea monster  
> in hibernation. Ashen clouds slide over  
> the weakening sun, their shadows  
> dancing across the rock face.  
> A Westerly wind sweeps the skin of water  
> and licks his ruddy face, forcing him to shut both eyes.  
> As sudden raindrops ping off his coat  
> he slowly backtracks home, following dirt tracks  
> flanked with overgrown heather  
> to the cabin, log fire, beer, bong, banjo,  
> faded olive couch with deer hide blankets,  
> and a loaded shotgun propped up beside the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there are more, sorry. :-)

Where the wild things are...

Most people would agree with the definition that wilderness is:  
1\. a tract or region uncultivated and uninhabited by human beings.  
2\. an area essentially undisturbed by human activity together with its naturally developed life community.

According to recent research, only 23% of land across the globe can be labelled wilderness, a 10% drop from 10 years ago, and the areas where wilderness is concentrated is mainly in North America, North Asia, North Africa, and Australia.

While there are places of great natural beauty and areas such as the Highlands of Scotland and the mountains of England, Wales and Northern Ireland that are remote, inhospitable, near natural and essentially undisturbed by human activity, the UK has little in the way of true wilderness. Thousands of years of human settlement has created a landscape that, although appearing wild in parts, is from an ecological perspective, either artificial or altered in some way.

The UK is a highly populated country. The current population is 65,578,701 according to the latest United Nations estimates. Within the four countries that make up the UK there are approximately 55 million living in England, 5.5 million in Scotland, 3 million in Wales and 1.8 million in Northern Island. Of that number, 82% (just under 54 million) is urban.

And to help with understanding the size of the UK, it is:  


  * Approximately the same size as New Zealand (which has a population of 4.6 million)
  * Half the size of France.
  * The same size as Oregon state in the USA



And just to make the UK feel so very special, not..., of the top 5 largest countries by area in the world,  


  * Russia is 70 times larger
  * Canada is about 41 times larger
  * The USA and China are both approximately 40 times larger
  * Brazil is 35 times larger



All very interesting you might say, but what has this to do with John and Sherlock and their friends. Well it's something you need to be aware of if you want to have Sherlock and/or John vanish or go off grid within the UK. I've read some good stories where they do this in other countries, for example [Northwest Passage by Kryptaria ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/531662/chapters/943040)where John is actually a Canadian doctor and soldier, and [Evidence of Human Life by thesardine ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/219934)where John and Sherlock are stranded for days on a deserted island off the coast of County Galway, Ireland.

Great Britain (England, Scotland and Wales) has a total of 6,289 islands, most of these are in Scotland, 803 are large enough to have been 'digitised' with a coastline by map-makers. Northern Ireland has 160 islands; 57 offshore and 103 on inland lakes. On the inhabited one strangers are going to stick out like a sore thumb unless it's peak tourist season, while many of the uninhabited ones, particularly off the coast of Scotland, are uninhabited because they are inhospitable and very difficult to get to.

So if you want to find somewhere totally isolated in the UK you're going to struggle. You can find isolated areas where you can wander happily without seeing a soul, but you are unlikely to wander for days without meeting someone, although it does depend on the time of year and the weather!  
Bushcraft UK recommends places such as -

  * Salisbury Plain
  * Exmoor and Dartmoor, both National Parks. Many mentioned that Dartmoor can feel very creepy, scary and barren (must be the memory of the Hound still lingering) and it is possible to get lost in it.
  * North West Scotland, particularly the coastal fringes.
  * North Yorkshire Moors
  * Grizedale Forest in the Lake district
  * Forested areas around Betws-y-Coed near Snowdon.



One thing you can say with confidence, where ever you find Sherlock is going to hate it.


End file.
